This is what dying slowly feels like

God I’m bored. I turns out that I am one of those people who’s happiness is very much connected to their livelihood. If I wasn’t, I’d be a totally happy camper. I live in a city I love, I have a balance of social activities and non-social activities (though I’m still pretty glum without Kari and Wendy), I like where I live and love who I live with and my cat, frankly, rocks. I make good money for the country I live in and I’m healthy. Why the hell am I being such a whiny baby?

First, I’m very much an all or nothing type. Black or white. It’s all good or it’s all bad. Over time I’ve learned to accept a little grey or at least create barriers of inlfluence. Like having a bad lunch can’t make everything all bad, it just makes lunch bad, whereas a horrible argument with a loved on makes everything bad. Childish, totally. But it’s how I work, so deal. Things have difference levels of importance and difference scopes of influence. Right now, I’m not so happy with work. It’s a big one for me. It hasn’t made me slide into a depression, but it is slowly smothering my drive and will.

Next, I thrive on being productive. Sitting aroud doing nothng freaks me right out. I love making lists and knocking down the items on it. Presently, my list is pretty much empty, save 30 minutes worth of graphics work.

Finally, I love responsibility. It’s part of that getting things done. It’s a big thrill for me to be able to say “I did this.” And sadly, I don’t feel like I have much responsibility at my job right now. I should, but because of language barriers I’m at the mercy of someone else’s decisions. And I hate it. I can only communicate in English. It’s a limitation, it drives me crazy. It makes me livid when someone calls the office, and tells me in perfect English that they don’t speak English very well, hence I am of no help to them. I’m a frickin English teacher! I fumble and bumble my way through all kinds of Czech converstations because I need to get things done. Why won’t people meet me half way? Is communitcating in broken Czenglish so bad? Apparently yes.

It’s left me feeling totally useless and makes me wonder why the hell I’m here at all. I’m so bored, and at present, I have no superior to talk to about it and am left with very few options. I guess if I get the jobs I’m applying for in NA, I won’t be as torn about leaving. I’m just so bored with work and I worry about what that says about me.

5 Minutes later…

Okay, Wendy is psychic. As I was in the midst of writing my self pitying blog, her cute boy walked into my office with some presents from her. A magazine about shopping called “Lucky” (how perfect ) and possibly the best gift bag ever. A clinique purse and a bag full of samples and trial sizes of products I don’t have. It’s so wonderful. THANK YOU WENDY! Like a shot of adrenaline, I feel better. I know there’s a lot of future out there for me. I just wish I could get there, without having to leave Prague.

HRH