Posted by: Chelsea Novak | April 25, 2008

Bad wiring

So here’s a wee update on the mental gymnastics Olympics going on in my brain.

I don’t know if it’s going poorly, I don’t know if it’s going well. I do know that I’m frequently confused, conflicted and really don’t want to have to be doing this, but have little choice in the matter.

I feel like I’m learning to walk. But unlike the first time I learned how to walk, I’m self-conscious and aware of the world around me. As a child, you don’t care if you fall down, because you’re a kid and you’re supposed to fall down (and entertain evil people like myself who think it’s both adorable and hilarious watching toddlers fail and succeed at independent motion) and everyone is so proud of you for walking.

That was a really long-winded way of explaining that learning how to be emotional again sucks because I remember why I tried to stop being so emotional in the first place. Emotions, especially the sad ones are messy and irrational. I think it’s good to be tidy and logical and while I always understood that people are emotional, I silently judged those who were and thought well of myself for becoming as even tempered as I could be.

I still don’t entirely believe that emotions should be expressed with the reigns off. That’s where the being self-conscious thing comes in. And I don’t mean self-conscious in the sense of insecure, I mean aware of my existence in relation to my fellow humans. I know that there have to be boundaries for this kind of thing. But I have no idea where they are and how they work.

Also, I thought that it would be easier. If I really expressed my feelings in the moment, then it would be right and good. And it isn’t always. And that’s even more confusing.

Sorry if this is largely incoherent, but that seems to be where things are right now.



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