Posted by: Chelsea Novak | March 14, 2007

Wah, wah, wah

Stupid hormones. Stupid, stupid hormones. You would think that being able to identify that it is my monthly peak of hormones causing me anger in the blood that it would have some kind of efficacy in actually reducing my levels of grrr. You’d think. You’d be wrong.

I can’t seem to decide if my loathing will be directed internally or externally this month. I’ve seen indications that it could really go either way.

I nearly vowed not to have children today, just to spite someone who was being all self-righteous about being a parent and “oh won’t I see one day.” It got my back up mightily quick. It’s never good when someone triggers the spite reflex in me. It’s powerful and scary. I lost 40 pounds fueled on spite remember.

Later in the day, as I was trying to figure out what I was going to wear to a wedding this weekend, all the grrr turned inwards. It truly is a shame that I can’t find some way to translate the speed and efficiency with which I dissect and attack myself into something beneficial and potentially lucrative. I’m so very good at this that it seems to be wasted just using the hate to knock down my own self-esteem. Surely it can be used for good somehow?

The internal hate process starts with not knowing what to wear for a late winter/early spring wedding, moves on to me trying on all the dresses I have, almost none of them work. I then don’t have the right shoes to wear with the one or two that might be passable and since it takes me four months to find a pair of shoes in my gargantuan size, it’s unlikely that there is hope for Saturday. I HAD the right shoes at one time, but they were destroyed by my trying to dismantle a table in three-inch heels and a suit. I freaking LOVED those shoes.

Then the hate-on starts. I’m stupid for not having the right clothes and even more stupid for having worn/purchased the presently useless dresses that currently live in my closet. If I was smart, I would have bought the right one. There’s going to come a point where it’s going to be painfully obvious that I keep wearing the same dress to every function I go to. I guess we’ll know it’s 2006/7 by the fact that I look exactly the same in every photo.

I’m also super-stupid for breaking down a table dressed like I was.

I have pontoons for feet and I suck because I can’t find shoes and am foolish for thinking I can find cute shoes in my size at a price I can afford. I’m even more of an idiot for blogging about this because I’m just drawing attention to the dress dilemma (and yes, I know that everyone will be looking at someone else’s dress that day, as they should, but that doesn’t excuse me showing up to an event like this looking like a hobo). If I can’t find something right to wear, why don’t I at least have a dress that matches the colour of most walls so I can blend into the background. While we’re at it, let’s toss in some cruel self-judgments about my body, cause old habits die hard.

And then the anger. There are so many more important things in this world than what freaking dress I’m wearing, but I can’t, for the life of me, stop fretting and obsessing about it. We’re heading to an exciting, deeper level now, because I’m flawed and wrong for letting something like this upset me as much as it does. And at least we have synergy, feeling ugly on the inside and the outside.

All this for a self-righteous comment and a fashion obstacle. Sheesh. Someone give me a slice of cheesecake, a bag of chips and wake me up in a few days when this crap has passed.

Today’s sing-a-long song: “Volcano Girls” by Veruca Salt



  1. All I got for you is this cookie. Oh noes!

    (ps: Eve was weak)

  2. Is it wrong that when I saw the title for this I thought it was a Chachi thread?

    Just trying to take the heat off Mike here…

  3. Yeah, he’s really lucky I don’t believe in any of that stuff. I’m mean dude, I was just bemoaning the fact that I have anger in the blood, why try to push my buttons?

    You need help with your impulse control!

  4. Upon further reflection, it may just be a reference to Carrie, so the heat may be off completely.

    Also I found some really cute shoes at lunch so I’m less likely to tear the gym down with the power of my hate.

  5. When I first read the title of this post I immediately though of this recent Onion article. Since you claim to be in a better head space and you know I’m posting this so you can continue to feel better with a chuckle….I present the following:

    With love,


  6. I have a similar but somewhat opposite problem. I don’t have to worry about what to wear this weekend, because I’ve really only got the one decent suit. But the more often I drag it out, the more I wonder if I’m at a point in my life where I shouldn’t own at least another, and what am I doing wrong, and so on.

    By the way, remind me. What was the song that you wanted to make sure you heard this weekend? You can tell me offline if it’s a secret.

  7. I think if you were feeling like being extensively evil you would play “Superbadgirls” by Ivan, cause that makes Jon’s ears bleed, but this is a day for celebration and possibly hair metal.

  8. Bleeding ears? That dance doesn’t sound very safe at all. Nonetheless, I’m on it.

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