Posted by: Chelsea Novak | January 30, 2007

Have you ever stopped and wonder what it is you’re searching for?

Here we are at the end of the day, which has been more of an emotional roller coaster than I am cool with. The best part is, I can’t, for the life of me, figure out WHY I’m on the up and down.

I’ve dealt with depression before in my life, gotten the therapy, intropected until I, the most self-absorbed person I know, actually got sick of myself, I’ve done it. I know the steps I’m supposed to take, the questions to ask, the warning signs to heed. I mean, being depressed young and working my way through it so that I’m equipped to deal with it later in life was one of the things I told myself to feel better about being so damn sad back then.

But this is different. Back then there were reasons to be sad. The fear of failure, loneliness, insecurity about my intelligence and my appearance, the shock of learning how to take care of myself, finding the skeletons in the closet and kicking their asses like a gang-banger on a vengeance beatdown… I could go on. In retrospect it all seems kind of trivial, but I can only say that because I got over it. Now I just can’t find an actual reason for why I feel low.

I guess it could actually be SAD and I know that it’s real and it can be horrible to deal with, but I suppose it still astounds me that I could feel like such crap because I don’t really ever get out in/or see the sun. Chris B suggested today that with losing the weight two years ago and the wedding last year I’m all out of things to obsess and excel at. I think there’s a lot to that. And yes I know I have my job, which is engaging and really busy. It’s just not enough to occupy my brain on its own.

I dunno. It’s all so weird. I have so much love in my life as evidenced by M and all my friends and family that have given me a nudge in the last few weeks to see if I’m holding together okay. I have a career that I enjoy and I think I’m doing well at. I love my home, my cat, my friends and family, my plans for the future. Things are really quite great in my life, but I’ll have a day like yesterday where I burst into tears because I feel like a loser for not wanting to deal with the cars in the driveway and decide not to go out to run the errands I’d planned on. I stayed in all day yesterday and hid. I have days where I don’t want to go out all the time, but for some reason knowing that I was hiding instead of being lazy made me feel like I’d done the wrong thing.

It’s all so cliche. I have a day like today where I felt sad in a way that made my chest hurt, but then I have moments like when I’m running on the treadmill where I’m smiling and almost laughing thinking of something I saw on YouTube. Demento.

It’s evidence that things really aren’t so bad. I’m still functioning and thriving. I suppose I may just be out of practice with this emotional thing.

Today’s sing-a-long song: “Am I The Same Girl” by Swing Out Sister

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