Posted by: Chelsea Novak | October 23, 2005

You don’t want no drama

(Alternate title: Me vs. The Black Eyed Peas “My Humps”)

Mike sent me an IM earlier this week which went a little something like this: “I think the video for ‘My Humps‘ was going for an empowered feeling, but they just ended up with whorish.” At this point in the week I had neither seen the video nor heard the song, but thought that anything that would get “Don’t lie” off the air waves had to be a good thing. I’ve seen the video three times in the last two days and every time I watch it M just starts laughing at me as I have the most appalled look on my face. Here I thought that getting “Don’t lie” off the air was a good thing. In hindsight I’ll take that song 10 times a day over this tripe.

The song is just so shallow and inane that I’m actually at a loss for words to rant about it. My issues with using anything but the most beautiful words in language being used to describe the curves of a woman’s body notwithstanding… lady lumps? Lady lumps. You HAVE GOT to be kidding me.

That aside these have to be the most inane lyrics ever. Just read them without the aid of the catchy beat or Fergie’s ass gyrating on screen. How could they a) actually write that song and b)sing it over and over as is required by the recording process without feeling compelled to stab themselves repeatedly in the eye? I’ve checked and all the of Black Eyed Peas still seem to have their black eyes, so I just don’t know. After repeated viewings of this video, I’ll be first in line to make sure those black eyes stay black, brother. Oh hells yeah.

Furthermore, what the heck is will.i.am talking about… milk and coco-puffs? When did random cereal shotouts become cool? If you’re rhyming about breakfast food, you can’t be having good feelings about your street cred.

The whole thing is just so dumb! Why are there shots of a dude sitting on a motorcycle for no reason? It’s not even moving! I realize that they director doesn’t believe people are paying attention to the non-lumpy portions of the clip, but seriously.. They were probably like “Damn…we need some filler! Sit on that motorcycle.” “But it’s not moving!” “We’ll have a girl and a smoke machine…. nobody is going to notice! It’s flawless!”

It’s all awful, but the most appalling thing about it you ask?? Fergie’s MINT GREEN HEELS! What in the name of all that is beautiful and good in this world are you doing, woman???!!! You can afford someone to tell you not to do stupid things like that. Sell one of the tacky-ass necklaces you’re wearing (I mean rented) in this video and buy a real stylist!

The worst part is how catchy the song is. As much as I hate it, I will get it stuck in my head. I will be found tapping a toe or two along to it if I’m subjected to it. If I’m in my car and I hear it on the radio, I might not change the station. And I will feel dirty and ashamed. But I won’t, I swear that I won’t, ever wear mint green high heels.

Today’s sing-a-long song: “Hate this and I’ll love you” by Muse.

HRH

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Responses

  1. Oh. My. God.

    Those are the worst lyrics I’ve EVER read, and I’m on a worldwide search for bad lyrics. That was WAY worse than R. Kelly’s “Trapped in a Closet” saga. That’s worse than death. I hope I never, ever hear that song. Ever.

    PS: LADY LUMPS?!?!
    …I WANT TO GO STRANGLE MYSELF!

  2. While it took me repeat viewings to notice that she was, indeed, wearing shoes — I thought they were more of an aqua colour.

    I’d better watch it again…. just to make sure.

  3. “In the back and in the front,” I think, is my favouretest dumb line in that song. Although I’ll totally cop to enjoying the “I’ll start some drama / you don’t want no drama.” That should become Chelsea’s go-to threat, really …

  4. I don’t even find it catchy, which means it is quite possibly the worst song I have ever heard. That speaks more to my mercifully limited exposure to terrible music, though. I bet it can be topped.

    -Alasdair

  5. Did you see this story/pic about the Peas performing totally wasted and Fergie pissing her pants? I swear. I can’t believe that didn’t ruin their career. I hate them all everything they stand for. Not that I know what that is. (http://bestweekever.blogs.com/best_week_ever_blog/2005/08/adventures_in_t.html)

  6. Well, I am a total sucker for the Black Eyed Peas — even when they record with Justin Timberlake. In fact, I’m fairly certain I’ve publicly called Chelsea on her anti-Peas stance at some point in our blogging past.

    That being said, it is a bad video for a bad song with bad lyrics.

    Actually, I kind of want to find some cheap heels and a can of mint green spray paint tso I can be lumpy Fergie for Halloween.

  7. Just passing by via Google and I have to agree. You nailed what makes this so horrible… that’s it’s catchy and makes you want to projectile vomit at the same time. Arrrghh, kill me now!


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