Posted by: Chelsea Novak | November 16, 2004

Me vs. pants

I have a problem with my pants. It’s not the usual problem that they don’t fit properly or sit inappropriately low. No, it’s that the zipper is possessed by Lucifer. And it’s a darn shame because not only are they great pin-striped black pants (part of a great suit) that look great on me, but they’re also obscenely comfortable.

Indeed wearing these pants is almost blissful, until it comes time to use the bathroom. Then things become complicated. Getting the pants off if easy enough (pause, for wisecracks) but dealing with the demonic zipper is like skating up a hill. Every time I fight with the zipper I mutter oaths to myself, promising to never be so dumb as to wear clothes that are broken. The words “idiot” and “fucking pants” are often expressed, which I imagine could be quite embarassing/amusing should I fight with my zipper when there’s someone in the stall beside me.

Somehow, after a great deal of contorting, pleading, manipulation and occasionally holding things between my teeth (don’t ask) the zipper is closed and all is well. I am awash with zipper amnesia and forget the trials of the moments before. Why? Because the pants are that comfortable.

This comes as an example of the stupid things I will put myself through to look good. It was only recently that I deceed that I will no longer wear clothes that cause me physcial pain (new boots excepted). Prior to that decsion I was consistently bedecked in an horrendous mix of circulation stopping, lung constricting and never quite long enough clothes. Add to that my insatiable lust to be fashionable and you have me looking quite silly.

The great part about getting older is that you get to exchange silly for savvy.

Today’s sing-a-long song: “Exchange” by Massive Attack




  1. I know you’re pain. I wore this lovely skirt, one that has a similar zipper problem but which I look 20lbs thinner in, to a frou-frou dinner party and went to the washroom and then could not do the zipper back up. I actually had to go out of the bathroom with my skirt undone in the back, hiding it with my hands and ask the hostess for a safety pin. I should just stop trying to attend classy events altogether.

  2. Bring the offending pants home next time and I’ll replacethe offending closure. they are great pants and worth it.

    that’s one of the things mommies are good for.

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