Posted by: Chelsea Novak | March 14, 2003

Throw your hands up at me…

In less than 24 hours my beloved M will be leaving me for a week (how’s that for an example of the future perfect). And it’s got me a little freaked out. Not in that boyfriend-off-the-leash kind of way, but in the home-totally-by-yourself kind of way. It seems that it has come time for me a eat some crow. Every time I went back to Canada on my own to visit family and friends, I was conivnced that it would be good for M to have some time by himself as he’s always lived with people and never on his own. And he was always okay (not too okay with my being away, but you see where I’m going with this.). Now that I’m facing being on my own for the first time in more than 4 years, I’m just a little, I don’t know, worried. I was always under the impression that I was super-strong-individual-girl, and rather proud of my independent streak and how I just “didn’t need anyone.” Exactly who did I think I was kidding with that ‘tude. After some analysis and just plain opening my eyes, it appears that I’m not particularly independent at all. Don’t I feel sheepish.

I used to live by myself. In fact I did for almost 2 years. Living by myself 7 minutes drive from my parents house, a 2 minute walk to my father’s office, going to school at the University beside the hospital my mother works at and a 5 to 10 minute walk to the homes of my dearest friends (some I’ve known since I was 3). Yeah, I had totally broken out of the nest. Also a year and a half of that was “living by yourself while dating a guitar player”, so not really living by yourself at all, but having all the financial responsibilites and having to clean up after every time he dyed his hair some exciting colour. So in truth, I’ve lived on my own for about 6 months. 6 months that I clung to Mike and all of my GW buddies. I may have to sit out the dance the next time they play “Independent Women.”

I guess I’m anxious because I’ve never been alone in Prague. While I have a couple of people I can depend on should I get myself into a jam, I’m afraid I’m going to turn into Sticky McKlingerson and make those people really irritated with me. Up to now, I’ve been pretty proud of how I’ve left home and made a life for myself here. But the whole time I’ve had M to fall back on if I needed to. It doesn’t undermine what I’ve accomplished, but it’s a little jitter-inducing. I don’t think I’m one of those irritatingly dependent types. I think there’s just a lot of give and take going on with people that I have relationships with and when that dynamic changes for a little while, it creates a pause for some relefection. I guess it’s time to get on the wire without a net and perhaps say to myself “hey silly, it’s a week. No big.”, then listen to a whole lot of Destiny’s Child. “Ladies it isn’t easy being independent…”



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