Posted by: Chelsea Novak | December 9, 2002

Touchy Toucherson

It will come a no suprise to anyone that I have a few issues. Always have, and despite my rigorous regime of introspection and analysis I always will. Though, at this point in my life I am happy to say that I have very few. Basically I’m a happy healthy person. I don’t feel like the raging werido that was a notch too many off of normal or at least I don’t feel like being a raging werido a notch too many off of normal is a bad thing. I get stressed, I get silly, and occasionally I get down (in the dancing sense, and I get in the mood sense as well, but never really at the same time).

So I have an issue and it’s beginning to manifest itself in a way where I’m biting my tounge in an effort not to snap at my loved ones or worse, I actually am. And it’s all totally silly. It’s all because of something I’m sensitive about and am *shock* blowing out of proportion. But how do to get my mind working in a logical, non-irrational-offence-taking kind of way when someone unwittingly presses the silly sensitivity button? And it’s such a dumb thing that I’m getting so upset over.

See the subheading of my blog “Who says spelling matters…” That’s not there because I’m a lazy proof reader or writer. It’s a defence mechanism. The fact of the matter is that I really can’t spell and it embarasses and shames me a great deal. People have told me that they think it’s cute and that it’s one of those quirks that makes me who I am, but I can’t help but think that if I was one of those people who find my spelling charming, I’d think less of me.

I’ve been trying to cure myself of this limitation for years, but not with any great measure of success. I look at those who can spell and those who diligently and kindly point out the more horrendous errors in my spelling with a mix of awe, admiration and stomach churning venomous envy. Envy is such an ugly thing. And it’s so strange. People can point out mistakes I’ve made in other things and I’m generally open to it and glad to learn about it (generally). If someone points out a spelling mistake there’s this horrible dialouge that goes through my head.

Person who can spell: Hey Chel, you realize you spelt science wrong, right?

Me trying to cover my embarassment with humour: So this isn’t the right time to impliment my modern spelling scheme then? Okay, I’ll fix it. Sorry.

Chelsea’s critical inner dialouge: Moron. A child in primary school could spell that word. You should have checked that before you wrote it.

Chelsea’s other inner dialouge, because an inner monologue would be lonely: I DID check it. A couple of times, but I just couldn’t see it. Everything looked right. I must have switched the letters or been thinking/writing too fast. I honestly thought it was right…

Chelsea’s critical inner dialouge: That’s really no excuse. Now they all think you’re an idiot. No one respects you if you can’t spell. don’t you know that. Smart people make fun of people that can’t spell at dinner parties and on television. No one can take you seriously as a person of noteworth intellect if they can’t see your ideas for all the spelling mistakes.

Chelsea’s other inner dialouge, because an inner monologue would be lonely: So no matter what I do and no matter what I say, it’s all moot because I can’t spell?

Chelsea’s critical inner dialouge:Basically.

Chelsea’s other inner dialouge, because an inner monologue would be lonely: And despite my efforts to the contrary, I’m always going to have typos and spelling mistakes in my writing, I’m pretty much screwed.

Chelsea’s critical inner dialouge:Basically.

Chelsea’s other inner dialouge, because an inner monologue would be lonely:Crap.

As you can see, going through all of that every time I make a spelling mistake (which is way too often) is draining, and dumb, as I’m just blasting myself with negative energy. I wouldn’t want people to stop correcting me, because leaving the mistake there would just expand the universe of people who know that I suck at spelling. I just wish I could see it, thank them for their help and not have to go through all the stupid psycho-rigmaroll with myself. If something is wrong, then it should be fixed so it’s right. It’s that simple, yet I persist in personalizing it.

Perhaps venting all of this is helpful. Perhaps letting the world know that not only am I a horrendous speller, but also a passenger on the starship neurotic is a good thing? Who knows and reallly who cares? In my little self-absorbed bubble this is an issue, in the real world where there’s so much, well, everything this is just not worth of the space it’s taking up. Insecurity vented… we will now return you to our regular programming.

Note: if anyone thinks they’re going to be the funny guy and mail me a list of all the typos I made in this post, I’m going to find you and have my cat “bite you good.”



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