What made me think that scarfing down two cupcakes before I went to bed is in any way a good idea, I don’t know. Nothing like trying to sleep with a sugar rush.
At about 6:30 this evening I got my “domestic diva” on. I don’t know what inspired it. I just decided that there had to be food fit for lunch leftovers made and made now. Southern style chicken, chili, cupcakes, vegetable preparation by way of chopping veggies for lunches, juice mixing… It got a little out of hand.
While the spree was productive and the cupcakes delicious, it didn’t produce the desired feeling. That feeling of “being done” that I’m hunting for. Even when I have “everything” done, I’m ill at ease, which leads me to believe that my feeling is really poorly named. I just want to know that everything is done so I can enjoy myself without feeling like I have to hold back some energy for another task later. I don’t feel like I can go at something whole hog. I don’t have that luxury. Who would clean up after me?
Why am I such an insane and grouchy person?
I’ve embraced painting again, but even that is becoming irritating since I have white, red and two colours of blue for paint. Not having green paint shouldn’t be what holds me back from it (since I just have to mix the yellow and one of the blues for green), but I look at my easel and I think of something to paint and then I see that there’s no green and I try to find something to clean instead. I seems meaningful to me that the missing colour is green.
I feel green a lot (cue Kermit). From feeling naive and new to things and just plain not knowing enough or from the choking, violent envy I have of people who have what I want (those things being a substantial disposable income and/or sanity), I’m green. I suppose suppressing these feelings or covering my ignorance is making me blue (oh the colour analogies just won’t stop coming).
Is there a colour for frustration or being fed up with your own bullshit? I wonder if I could paint that without the colour green? I’ll bet you any money that the colour of absolute sorrow and self loathing is beige. Mostly because it would make how you’re feeling that much worse. Even the colour of your depression is dull.
At least today I’m kind of turquoise.
Today’s sing-a-long song: “The River Below” by Billy Talent
HRH
