In spite of the sunny skies of late, I’ve come to accept that I’m emotionally under the weather. It’s not depression or heartbreaking sadness, it’s just this feeling of numbness. I don’t want to crawl in to bed for a month, nor have I been brought to tears by these feelings. Or I guess more accurately, this lack of feelings.
It’s odd. There are just so many things to be happy and excited about. It is isn’t as though I’m unaware of them. In fact I’m sure without the wonderfully prosperous phase I’m in, I’d be a right miserable baby. On the other hand, it’s not like there’s a shortage of things to be depressed and horrified about. Granted they’re all outside of my control, which when you think about it is actually more depressing. Hrm.
Maybe this is what getting old feels like. You just become numb to things and get what little joy you can out of your friends, family, work or hobby. When you’re younger, it’s all about idealism, changing things and making a difference, but it seems as you age ideals are thrown by the wayside for security and it becomes all too evident that things never really change.
So here I am. Life is pretty damn great on paper and I spend more of my time up than down, but something is awry. M asked me if I need a big project, and he may not be so off the mark. Maybe I’m bored. No, that’s not the right term. I guess I’m in need of some expectations. The problem with getting what you want done is knowing what to do once you’ve got it. 5 years ago I wouldn’t have dared imagine the life I have now. Granted, I was just getting over being a crazy person, but I wasn’t optimistic about my future. And here I am, in the future (I guess the now) and I’ve done more than I’d ever dreamed of, I have this great life and underneath the malaise I am a happy person. I guess I just don’t know what to do next!
Today’s sing-a-long song: “Piggy” by Nine Inch Nails
HRH
